I am so fucking annoying!!!!!
2002-02-06 / 3:53 p.m.
Today is such a good day! Mike is at school and I am listening to my cd's on random! I haven't done this in a long time! It totally rocks too! Right now I'm listening to Patti Smith and before that it was Julie Ruin. Yay! I love hanging out by myself. Before I got with Mike I was such a fucking loner. I'd stay at home all the time and make mixed tapes and collages. I'd get really stoned and just like sit on my couch and think. Hahah! That sounds funny, like I was having some kind of "deep moment." I'd really just be making believe in my head. Do you ever do that shit? Like walk down the street and pretend like some interviewer is talking to you and just say shit? I used to do that all the time when I was younger and I'd be walking home from school. I'd pretend like my house had burned down and i'd talk about all the new clothes and stuff I had gotten all new. Wierd, I know. I'd talk about all the boys that liked me and about how good my grades were. This is hilarious because I was such an ugly dork! We were poor too so my clothes were always ugly and old. Hahaha. I really wanted to have cool clothes. That's part of the reason I have such a huge magazine addiction. I'd spend fucking hours looking through Sassy and shit making believe I was shopping for clothes to take off to my fancy boarding school or whatever fantasy I was having! Hahah! It's so wierd because I'm still like that! Its funny though because I don't dress stylish at all! I don't even dare try! I'm really prejudiced about "hipness", it's like how I used to feel(and still do-I'll admit it) about "preps" back in highschool. I just have this scorn for hip people. I know that's bitchy and stuff. I just really have this hatred with looking good. I love ugliness. I'm sick of pretty fucking people. I'm really sick of caring so much about looking good. It gets so fucking old. It makes my stomache hurt just trying to look good, you know? It's like if I put makeup on or wear a dress or look made up at all, then people will have the right to judge me. Cuz I tried to get their approval, you know what I mean? So if I don't try at all then I don't have to care what people think. It sucks though because I'm really craving makeup lately. I even bought some FUCKING CONCEALER!!!!!! I can see eyeliner or something obvious, but CONCEALER??? I hate myself! I don't want to hide anything. Who gives a shit if I have bags under my eyes or pimples!!!!! Why does it matter???? FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Still... my day rocks! Now I am listening to Excuse 17! How often does that happen in the middle of the day in my living room? Usually it has to be something we agree on like Lil Kim or Bon Jovi! ;)